Facing my fear and the demons

 

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So as anyone who has been following me knows I have struggled the last year….With numerous infections, between my sinuses, ears, and bronchitis and the asthma that goes along with that.  Well thankfully they finally figured out what was causing the issues.  I am glad and think the injections are working on my allergies.  As soon as that started happening, I developed a condition called Torticollis, basically my neck was stuck in one position for most of a month, I didn’t train, I literally slept and worked.  Finally that has cleared up after a visit to the Chiro.  I am finally able to start training again.  Which I am extremely happy about because let’s be honest when I can’t train, I am kind of a bitch to be around.  The training helps me keep my depression and anxiety in check, and no training means I turn into an emotional wreck.  So everyone I know is quite happy I am able to train again.  I have a race coming at the end of the month, it is a 10 miler, am I ready for it? NOT AT ALL….lol Will i get closer to being ready yes… I will be doing it with amazing friends who will support me, who always seem to support me no matter how far away I am. I love knowing I have people like that in my life.  So I will finish that race, I will probably be slow about it, but I will finish and I will celebrate afterwards with the amazing friends I have met through the Michigan Runners group, and be happy that I am back on the way to feeling more like myself.  I may not be fast, but I will finish and I will celebrate the finish as a step towards where I want to be towards all the goals I am aiming for.  I also submitted my first application for my BA because I will be finishing my Associates degree this year. It seems like it has flown by, everything is going so fast, and I am finally getting closer to my goals which is a bit scary and makes me a bit panicky but thanks to some of my amazing friends for talking me off the ledge when I need it.  I am also branching out and trying new fitness things…..stay tuned….Happy Training <3<3

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Setbacks….

 

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I have had a bit of a setback in my training……Last Wednesday I woke up with what I thought was a stiff neck.  I just thought maybe I slept funny or something.  By Saturday morning, I was having trouble using my left arm without pain, and there was no head turning, or nodding going on without a shooting pain.  I went to the Doctor.  Turns out I have a condition called Torticollis.  So with instructions on PT exercises, and muscle relaxers to try an loosen things up.  Well It is now Wednesday again and all I have accomplished is working, and sleeping most of the rest of the day.  At some points, I feel like the pain is better and I can use my arm, and turn my head, but then it comes back with a vengeance.  So I am still doing the stretching stuff, and applying heat, and taking the meds.  I am going to call again in the morning, and see if there is anything else I can do, I am also going to see about scheduling a massage.  I am getting very cranky from not working out.  I am also starting to have pain in my knee, having the arthritis I need to be moving, that keeps the pain away.  Plus if this takes too long to heal I will be putting my race in October in danger.  So send all the positive vibes you can……..

 

 

Faking it

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Lately I’ve had my butt firmly planted on the struggle bus.  Partly stress, partly health stuff, partly in my own head.  I’m currently at the fake it till you make it stage of the game.  Trying to get myself back on track with training.  Just putting one foot in front of the other. Trying to keep going towards my goal. I’m still in struggle bus mode, but I’m losing forward trying to get out of that attitude. Leaning on people close to me to help me do that.  Working on feeling normal again.  I may not be where I want to be, but I’ll keep pushing till I am…..

Pressing on…..

Pressing On Toward The Goal

 

 

It’s been a while since I have written, glad this week is finals week, it has been a crazy semester, and I am glad to see summer break finally here.  Planning on getting a lot of training in this summer.  My poor nephew, says he is going to train with me, lol I am going to guess he won’t train as much as he thinks he will.  That is ok, I figure if he gets out with me at all that is a win.  It is hard to believe that I only have 2 semesters left before I have my Associates degree.  I have already been accepted into the Guaranteed Acceptance program the 4 year college I am going to next.  Things are falling into place well.  Trying to keep moving forward instead of looking back.   Focusing on all the good stuff, instead of letting my natural pessimist take over and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I went to the Fit Expo this weekend with Cortney, and I have a renewed fever to hit my goals.  There was so much information, and so many amazing stories.  I met some great people.  If you ever get the chance to go, I highly encourage it!   It gave some renewed fire.  I am also excited for Friday, I will be on a pod cast.  My first one, I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I may not be where I want to be yet, but I will keep pushing towards my goals.  Never stop…. Happy Training <3<3

Life Lessons….or not….

 

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I was talking to someone today, and I realized how happy I am in my training, how much I like it.  I love the feeling after a hard workout, where I can barely walk.  I sleep way more restfully that is for sure, as fact I have been painfully aware of these last few weeks while I have been sick, I have slept awfully, since I have been back to regular workouts, I sleep like the dead literally, I think a bomb could go off next to me and it would not wake me up…lol. I am also working on a paper for my Sociology of Sport Class. It is a Sportography.  We have to back to the earliest memories we have of sports and physical games, and make connections to how race, ethnicity, gender and social backgrounds affected our experiences.  For me thinking back that far doesn’t bring happy memories.  It makes me think of always being picked last in gym or recess because I was always overweight. Or playing softball in the summer and being made fun because I was so big, and always stuck out in right field.   I loved softball, but after a couple summers, I lost that love, it wasn’t fun to be made fun of and treated that way. So I quit…. And I got less and less active as I got older. Then one day in 2009 a friend (who runs marathons) called me up and said do 5k with me…..my first thought.  I can’t do that I am too big, too out of shape…. Well as she has been doing since we were 12, she talked me into doing something I didn’t want to do……So on a chilly day in April, I put on the race shirt and got in her car.  That was my first race; little did I know it would not be my last. I walked the whole race, and looked around me, I realized, there were a lot of people walking, that no one was judging me because I was walking.  No one was laughing and pointing at the fat girl struggling to go 3.1 miles.    That was when I got hooked.  Over time it led to mud runs, more 5k’s  10 k’s  and I still couldn’t lose weight no matter how well I trained, how well I ate, I stayed within the same 10 lbs.  I pushed myself harder than I probably should have, I did a mud run with bursitis in my hip, and a 10k with a broken foot( I didn’t know it was broken)  All this training and wanting to get better and do more, led to me eventually making my decision to have my weight loss surgery.  My doctor and I talked about it a lot, and we were both confident that I had exhausted all the other avenues, and my PCOS was the culprit that was keeping me from getting anywhere.  So I had the surgery, and since I am kind of Nutso, 9 weeks after having 85% of my stomach removed I did my first half marathon.  I did my first tri as an indoor race, I just wanted to see how I would do….I loved it, and I wanted to do more.  That has led me to where I am now in my journey.  Am I where I want to be with my body?  Nope, am I content where I am? Yes, I am working on changing my body I am lifting more weights, adding more muscle.  Do I succeed at everything I attempt?  Nope….but I always give it my best.  I have learned to listen to my body a little better, and not push when I shouldn’t.  Sometimes I put way too much faith in people, sometimes I get hurt.  But the thing is if I let you close enough to hurt me it means you had an amazing impact in my life.  How it ended between us, or didn’t end, I will never be the one to sever ties, because if you were important to get close to me, you will always be important to me, I will always want the best for you and will always be there when you need me.  People come and go in our lives, but the ones who truly belong tend to drift back into our lives when the time is right.     The person who talked me into that first 5k is a perfect example of someone who drifts in and out of my life.  I will always be there when she needs me though.   I am focusing on the things I like and what makes me happy, and that has brought some amazing people into my life, it has also taught me some lessons.  But good or bad, I will never stop…… I will never let my past hold me back from the future…..Happy Training <3<3

 

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Reset…..

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Well now that I have answers and a little relief from some of the issues with my breathing and stuff, I can start getting back to my training.  Which let’s face it will make me way less crabby.   So I started last night, my Sunday run went ok, slow, but it has been a long 2 months.  Today well today was supposed to be a swim day, but well, it was almost 70 degrees, so I asked my dear coach ever so nicely if I could switch and do my bike and run today.  His response: “good call get outside.” So I hopped on my old road bike, with an anticipated hour long ride in zone one…..well let’s just say this did not go well.  I could not get my heart rate or my breathing under control, at all.  I have lost a lot of what my improvements I had made before Bronchitis 1 in January or was it sinus infection 1.  I can’t remember.  I called the bike early, I took off for my run, which was slow, and I walked more than I wanted to, but I guess getting out there was half the battle.  Tomorrow, I will face the swim, and I will give it the best I have.  I know I have a long road back ahead of me, but I will get there.  I am going to think of it as a reset instead of a setback.  If I start the process with a negative attitude, then that is the attitude I will have going forward.  I prefer to think of it as a rest, because that is a positive thing.  So tomorrow I will put on my swim suit, strap on my goggles, and swim…..and the day after do the next workout.  I will put my faith in the people in my life who are on my team to do what they do best.  My coach to push and help me improve, my dietitian to make sure I am getting what I need, when I need it to fuel my workouts and my body, my doctors to help me get past these sinus issues.  But most importantly I will put my faith in myself….I can do this, I can achieve my goals!  Happy Training <3<3

 

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Answers?

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As I’m laying here in bed trying to get some motivation to get up and go to class, even though my head is killing me, and my sinuses and ear hurt.  I’m going to be totally miserable by Wed. I can’t take this whole long list of medicine before my allergy tests and CT scan of my sinuses. So they can get accurate results and hopefully get an answer as to why I’m so sick all the time. I already know this is going to be the longest 3 days ever. Hopefully this will lead to answers that will fix whatever is wrong. To get me back on track with training.  I’ve already decided the A race I had planned, well that’s not in the cards right now until I’m healthy I don’t want to risk injury by training when I’m sick, or racing while I’ve undertrained.  So Scott and I talked about it and we’ve picked a different race later in the season. That should mean I will have time to train assuming this is fixed. I’m so frustrated with this whole thing. I’m so tired of being sick. It takes most of my energy to get through the day most days. Some days I push and get a workout of some kind in, but swimming….. That is the hardest part. Especially with the constant ear aches.  Here’s hoping Wednesday brings answers…… I may not get there the way I wanted or in my original time frame but I’ll get there

Need some relief…….

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Well…..I am sick AGAIN!!! I can’t seem to stay healthy.  Last week it was the stomach flu, this week I have a sore throat and so much sinus pressure I can’t breathe.  I am calling the dr in the am, maybe I need to see a specialist, it seems like most of my issues stem from my sinuses.  I am so frustrated with the whole thing.  I feel like I haven’t been able to train like I want to, I feel like I can’t rest like I want to, which in turns means I am exhausted all the time.  My dr did a crap ton of blood tests and all my tests were normal.  I think at this point the next step is a specialist. Maybe that will get me some relief and help with all of this.  I feel like I am still suffering the after effects of my pneumonia from last year……Pray for me that I get some kind of answer, I am tired of being sick and tired…… 😦  I had all these plans of getting my training back on track but I can’t seem to stay healthy no matter what I do……

The Hot Mess Express…….

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This week I am giving hot mess a new meaning….. 😦  They changed my hours slightly at work, so I am not getting a nap before school, which is making staying awake in class hard to say the least….lol especially my biology class, she about puts me to sleep every single time.  Monday I added a bike workout to my swim because I was going to be time crunched on Wednesday.  I get to the gym, get the bike done, and I was so looking forward to my swim, and looked in my gym bag no swimsuit…. 😦  I also had an ingrown toenail that was bothering me, I removed it and but a bandaid on it.  Well by Tuesday night my toe was infected.  So i cleaned the crap out of it, and bandaged it up with Neosporin, and got my run in, without a watch, because I forgot to charge the dumb thing.  See….hot mess. and it just kept getting better…. today I had a bike workout since Scott said I probably shouldn’t swim with an infected toe.  It was beautiful today, so after my class, and photo shoot for the college, I decided to take a little nap and then go ride.  except I set my alarm for am instead of PM, and only woke up because my regular work alarm went off at 10:30 pm…..so that was like the 40th epic fail of my week……….tomorrow I vow to get my shit together, and get my training in, and get done what I need to…..and I just realized I have a quiz due at 9 am I haven’t even looked at……ugg… I need to get it together this week…..Tomorrow is a new day right?  For all the people who say to me I don’t know how you do it…..some days I don’t clearly…..Happy training ❤

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Race ready

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I have a countdown app on my phone, so I can see when my big races are coming……today I looked at and realized there are only 17 weeks left until my 70.3.  Then I realized it was this time last year when I ended up in the ER coughing up blood because I had pneumonia so bad.  That sickness derailed my entire racing season last year.  This year I am doing my best to stay healthy, and keep that issue away.  So today I panicked thinking about it… Scott my coach probably thinks I am crazy after the email I sent him at 3 am…..Then 5 minutes later I was looking at goals for next year.  I have officially entered the losing my mind stage.  His response to my email was simple:

“If we keep being consistent you will be ready. We have a ton of time.”
Scott

 

I think hiring a good coach was the best decision I made for this season, I mean sure sometimes on Sunday I am a little scared to open Training Peaks to see what is in store….of course most athletes I know with coaches have the same fear…lol.  I do my best to get through it all, and some weeks it is a lot.  I mean we are only half way through February and I am well on my way to 300 bike miles this month…..I am working hard, and I hope it is showing in my training logs.  I feel a lot stronger, but I must admit working out 7 days a week is not an easy thing.  I never thought the training would be easy, but if I am one thing it is determined, and focused……sometimes to my own detriment. I hear all the time that I am too busy and all I think about is the gym, but I am ok with that, it is what I want to be doing.  I have spent way too much of my life  trying to make other people happy or fix things, so I am focusing on me, and well it is pissing people off, and to be honest….I am ok with that.  I need to focus on what I want so I stop getting lost in the shuffle.  Focus on making me happy……..happy training ! <3<3

 

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