Why do people think it is ok to question what I do, why I haven’t hit my goal weight yet? My friend Jennifer made this post today on Facebook
“I have to speak my mind about something….I know shocking right?? When someone has been heavy their whole life and turns to something as drastic as having 85% of their stomach removed, do NOT make negative comments to them and be catty about their weight…if you have never been heavy then you don’t know the body image issues some people have. I will let it go once, maybe even twice but the next time I am not going to be nice. I work my fucking ass off to lose what I have lost and I don’t appreciate rude ass people. That is all I have to say about that.”
I realized it isn’t just me. Everyone who goes through the surgery I went through deals with the same things. It is hard, I put myself out there, and so I should expect people to question me I guess, but here is the thing, I put myself out there so that if there is someone struggling they can see they aren’t alone. So that they can see you can try anything. I am not scared to put in the work and try anything new. I will never back away from a new challenge it may scare me, but I will at least put forth my best effort. That does not give someone the right to question my food choices, or my weight. I work hard, I see a sports dietitian every 2 weeks, I am following the proper plan. I also have a medical condition, that I battle everyday. It is why I carry most of my weight in my midsection. It is why I ultimately decided to have the surgery where 85% of my stomach was removed. I looked at all the options for surgery and made the decision that was best for me, it was not an easy decision to make. I fought against it for years thinking I could lose the weight on my own. I tried every medical weight loss plan and every thing in between. No matter how well I ate, or how hard I worked I weighed within the same 10 lbs for years. I did 5ks, 10ks, and mud runs at my heaviest weight ever, I was NOT unfit, or unhealthy. I was almost in a war with my body. It fought me every step of the way. No I’m not at my goal weight, maybe I never will be, but I am strong, and I am healthy, this body can do amazing things, and I will never stop pushing to get further and further. So please next time you thing of judging someone and you don’t know their personal story or struggle, think twice about it. You never know what they have been through to get to where they are. Or what may be holding them back from getting to where they want to be!
I have been going back and forth on things for this weekend about what I am going to do ro the race this weekend as far as fuel, and other things. I have finally made a few decisions. I am going to put the old pedals back on my bike. I am not comfortable enough with the the clips, and I am afraid of falling still, and really afraid of causing a crash. I don’t feel like i have had enough time in them since I was sick to be ready. I know this will make my bike harder, but I would rather it be harder than hurt myself or someone else. I have also been struggling with hydration, I struggle to drink on the bike. So I think I will be wearing my camel back so that I will be getting my fluids in without having to stop to drink. I know I will look like a newbie, but that is ok, it isn’t my first tri and I know that, but I guess i would rather be safer, and ensure I can get through this than take a chance with things I am not comfortable with and end up making my race harder in the long run. I need to be smart about this race. The objective is to finish, and not die, so that should not be too hard to accomplish. 3 DAYS LEFT till the big day. I got this one way or another!!!!
It never fails, when I have a race sleep is very elusive for me. I struggle to fall asleep the night before. It is my own fault, I almost missed a race once, we had a power outage while I was sleeping, and my alarm didn’t go off. I literally made it there as they were closing the road, I was the last car they let through. I might have broken a few laws to get there. mainly I made a 20+ min drive in 10…..lol. but now every time I have something important the next morning, I can’t sleep. So here I sit the night before my first OWS in a wetsuit, nervous as heck. First because I have never swam in the wetsuit, second because I am swimming some where I have never swam before, but it is a place that lots of triathletes use to train. I really just need to get this first swim in the wetsuit out of the way. Get the panic everyone tells me I will feel out of the way. It is the fear of that, that is making me so nervous. Wondering if I can swim in a race in it without panic. I am glad I went with the sleeveless after hearing from someone about how the water is cold, but not that cold. I feel like the freedom to move my arms will help with the panicked feeling. Well I am going to try and sleep again…..Have a great night!
Today was the day….I had to face it, I needed a wetsuit for my race next week. Possible hypothermia is not my idea of a good time…..So I contacted a very nice lady named Cathy at Runner’s High ‘n Tri in Algonquin. She made me feel very at ease that they would be able to find one to fit me, the old Fat girl in me was alive and well. I had been looking online and none of the websites had suits that went up to the weight I am, since you know covering your body in latex or neoprene isn’t traumatizing enough, they make you tell them your exact weight. So bright and early this morning I got up and drove the hour plus to Arlington heights to rent the suit, that I already had in my mind was going to be like some kind of torture device to put on. I arrived and was greeted by the ladies in the shop and they were very welcoming, and i was taken back to a bathroom to put on my tri suit so we made sure everything fit. I came out and there was Cathy with the suit in her hand, first of all, I knew it was a men’s suit from talking to her on the phone the day before. I had decided on a sleeveless, because a friend told me the water was cold, but I would be ok going sleeveless, and I thought that was the best option since I have never used one before. I was eyeing the pile in her hands with total trepidation. Then she started explaining how to put it on. All i was thinking was how would I get that over my fat thighs with the loose skin. She gave me a plastic grocery bag, and told me to put it on my foot, and then pull the suit over my foot to help get it on. She also gave me some white gloves so that I would not tear it with my nails. I put on the gloves and all I could think of was Mickey Mouse, Cathy told me everyone gets sweaty putting them on so if I got to hot trying to get it on to let her know and she would put a fan blowing my way to cool it off. So i sat down, put the bag on, and to my surprise the first leg went up to the knee super easy. So i put the bag on the second foot, and right up my leg it went. I thought to myself this is too easy. I stood up and pulled it up to my waist, and over my arms it went. I walked out into the hall. Cathy was coming down to check on me, and she looked kind of surprised that I had it on already. She did tell me I needed to pull the crotch up more to be able to zip it properly. Then the thought of zipping it…..I was for sure she would never get that zipper up. Amazingly after a little tugging it zipped right up. It was then that it hit me, I put in all this work, and I went through all the pain of having weight loss surgery when I could not lose the weight on my own because of my PCOS. I need to let her go, THE FAT GIRL, the one who is always there telling me I can’t. I have a huge race next week. Maybe I don’t make the cutoffs, but I will not give up until they tell me I have to stop racing! I will not let that voice in my head win anymore!
I have always gained support from other runners, always has amazing people in my life who have given me advice, and listened when I needed to talk about it. Recently there have been a couple things that have come to light, that have shown me not everyone I put my faith in was worth that. The part that really frustrates me is I work so hard at it, and then to find out people who supposedly support me, are tearing me down behind my back. To make things to much worse some of the trolls in my life are hiding in the shadows so I don’t even know who they are. It could be someone I talk to every day, or someone I only occasionally talk to I have no way to know, since I am hearing things third party. Clearly there are some I know have my back always and that I can trust. My circle is going to start getting very much smaller, and I am not going to be so trusting of people who are nice to me, since they could just as easily be tearing me down. I have always tried to see the best in people, but lately people are showing me that more often than not my faith is not the right thing to do. Which also makes me sad. I always have been someone who supports everyone in my life, but now I need to be more choosy who i give my time to..
Some days I wonder if my knee is going to hold up through my race. I have been having some issues in my hip on the same leg, and I fear that it is my knee causing the pain in my hip. It seems to only happen after a long run, but never on the bike. After this weekends 5k my wheels totally came off half way through, I finally decided to get a second opinion about the arthritis in my knee. My doctor had given me a referral so I called Tuesday morning. I have an appointment on Monday after class. So I will see if he has a better idea for treating the knee. Hopefully something that doesn’t involve a giant needle that gives me more pain than the knee had before……Cross your fingers for good news, in the mean time. Back to training and racing this weekend. Best news ever, I found someone to train with who likes working out as much as I do. We are working on the scheduling part 🙂 Slower weekend just 1 5k on Saturday, with and old friend who is trying to get back on track for her marathon training! I am so ready to get to my big race, because whether I finish or not, I will give it my all, and I am so blessed to have an amazing friend who will be there for me!