Life Lessons….or not….

 

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I was talking to someone today, and I realized how happy I am in my training, how much I like it.  I love the feeling after a hard workout, where I can barely walk.  I sleep way more restfully that is for sure, as fact I have been painfully aware of these last few weeks while I have been sick, I have slept awfully, since I have been back to regular workouts, I sleep like the dead literally, I think a bomb could go off next to me and it would not wake me up…lol. I am also working on a paper for my Sociology of Sport Class. It is a Sportography.  We have to back to the earliest memories we have of sports and physical games, and make connections to how race, ethnicity, gender and social backgrounds affected our experiences.  For me thinking back that far doesn’t bring happy memories.  It makes me think of always being picked last in gym or recess because I was always overweight. Or playing softball in the summer and being made fun because I was so big, and always stuck out in right field.   I loved softball, but after a couple summers, I lost that love, it wasn’t fun to be made fun of and treated that way. So I quit…. And I got less and less active as I got older. Then one day in 2009 a friend (who runs marathons) called me up and said do 5k with me…..my first thought.  I can’t do that I am too big, too out of shape…. Well as she has been doing since we were 12, she talked me into doing something I didn’t want to do……So on a chilly day in April, I put on the race shirt and got in her car.  That was my first race; little did I know it would not be my last. I walked the whole race, and looked around me, I realized, there were a lot of people walking, that no one was judging me because I was walking.  No one was laughing and pointing at the fat girl struggling to go 3.1 miles.    That was when I got hooked.  Over time it led to mud runs, more 5k’s  10 k’s  and I still couldn’t lose weight no matter how well I trained, how well I ate, I stayed within the same 10 lbs.  I pushed myself harder than I probably should have, I did a mud run with bursitis in my hip, and a 10k with a broken foot( I didn’t know it was broken)  All this training and wanting to get better and do more, led to me eventually making my decision to have my weight loss surgery.  My doctor and I talked about it a lot, and we were both confident that I had exhausted all the other avenues, and my PCOS was the culprit that was keeping me from getting anywhere.  So I had the surgery, and since I am kind of Nutso, 9 weeks after having 85% of my stomach removed I did my first half marathon.  I did my first tri as an indoor race, I just wanted to see how I would do….I loved it, and I wanted to do more.  That has led me to where I am now in my journey.  Am I where I want to be with my body?  Nope, am I content where I am? Yes, I am working on changing my body I am lifting more weights, adding more muscle.  Do I succeed at everything I attempt?  Nope….but I always give it my best.  I have learned to listen to my body a little better, and not push when I shouldn’t.  Sometimes I put way too much faith in people, sometimes I get hurt.  But the thing is if I let you close enough to hurt me it means you had an amazing impact in my life.  How it ended between us, or didn’t end, I will never be the one to sever ties, because if you were important to get close to me, you will always be important to me, I will always want the best for you and will always be there when you need me.  People come and go in our lives, but the ones who truly belong tend to drift back into our lives when the time is right.     The person who talked me into that first 5k is a perfect example of someone who drifts in and out of my life.  I will always be there when she needs me though.   I am focusing on the things I like and what makes me happy, and that has brought some amazing people into my life, it has also taught me some lessons.  But good or bad, I will never stop…… I will never let my past hold me back from the future…..Happy Training <3<3

 

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Reset…..

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Well now that I have answers and a little relief from some of the issues with my breathing and stuff, I can start getting back to my training.  Which let’s face it will make me way less crabby.   So I started last night, my Sunday run went ok, slow, but it has been a long 2 months.  Today well today was supposed to be a swim day, but well, it was almost 70 degrees, so I asked my dear coach ever so nicely if I could switch and do my bike and run today.  His response: “good call get outside.” So I hopped on my old road bike, with an anticipated hour long ride in zone one…..well let’s just say this did not go well.  I could not get my heart rate or my breathing under control, at all.  I have lost a lot of what my improvements I had made before Bronchitis 1 in January or was it sinus infection 1.  I can’t remember.  I called the bike early, I took off for my run, which was slow, and I walked more than I wanted to, but I guess getting out there was half the battle.  Tomorrow, I will face the swim, and I will give it the best I have.  I know I have a long road back ahead of me, but I will get there.  I am going to think of it as a reset instead of a setback.  If I start the process with a negative attitude, then that is the attitude I will have going forward.  I prefer to think of it as a rest, because that is a positive thing.  So tomorrow I will put on my swim suit, strap on my goggles, and swim…..and the day after do the next workout.  I will put my faith in the people in my life who are on my team to do what they do best.  My coach to push and help me improve, my dietitian to make sure I am getting what I need, when I need it to fuel my workouts and my body, my doctors to help me get past these sinus issues.  But most importantly I will put my faith in myself….I can do this, I can achieve my goals!  Happy Training <3<3

 

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Answers?

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As I’m laying here in bed trying to get some motivation to get up and go to class, even though my head is killing me, and my sinuses and ear hurt.  I’m going to be totally miserable by Wed. I can’t take this whole long list of medicine before my allergy tests and CT scan of my sinuses. So they can get accurate results and hopefully get an answer as to why I’m so sick all the time. I already know this is going to be the longest 3 days ever. Hopefully this will lead to answers that will fix whatever is wrong. To get me back on track with training.  I’ve already decided the A race I had planned, well that’s not in the cards right now until I’m healthy I don’t want to risk injury by training when I’m sick, or racing while I’ve undertrained.  So Scott and I talked about it and we’ve picked a different race later in the season. That should mean I will have time to train assuming this is fixed. I’m so frustrated with this whole thing. I’m so tired of being sick. It takes most of my energy to get through the day most days. Some days I push and get a workout of some kind in, but swimming….. That is the hardest part. Especially with the constant ear aches.  Here’s hoping Wednesday brings answers…… I may not get there the way I wanted or in my original time frame but I’ll get there

Need some relief…….

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Well…..I am sick AGAIN!!! I can’t seem to stay healthy.  Last week it was the stomach flu, this week I have a sore throat and so much sinus pressure I can’t breathe.  I am calling the dr in the am, maybe I need to see a specialist, it seems like most of my issues stem from my sinuses.  I am so frustrated with the whole thing.  I feel like I haven’t been able to train like I want to, I feel like I can’t rest like I want to, which in turns means I am exhausted all the time.  My dr did a crap ton of blood tests and all my tests were normal.  I think at this point the next step is a specialist. Maybe that will get me some relief and help with all of this.  I feel like I am still suffering the after effects of my pneumonia from last year……Pray for me that I get some kind of answer, I am tired of being sick and tired…… 😦  I had all these plans of getting my training back on track but I can’t seem to stay healthy no matter what I do……

The Hot Mess Express…….

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This week I am giving hot mess a new meaning….. 😦  They changed my hours slightly at work, so I am not getting a nap before school, which is making staying awake in class hard to say the least….lol especially my biology class, she about puts me to sleep every single time.  Monday I added a bike workout to my swim because I was going to be time crunched on Wednesday.  I get to the gym, get the bike done, and I was so looking forward to my swim, and looked in my gym bag no swimsuit…. 😦  I also had an ingrown toenail that was bothering me, I removed it and but a bandaid on it.  Well by Tuesday night my toe was infected.  So i cleaned the crap out of it, and bandaged it up with Neosporin, and got my run in, without a watch, because I forgot to charge the dumb thing.  See….hot mess. and it just kept getting better…. today I had a bike workout since Scott said I probably shouldn’t swim with an infected toe.  It was beautiful today, so after my class, and photo shoot for the college, I decided to take a little nap and then go ride.  except I set my alarm for am instead of PM, and only woke up because my regular work alarm went off at 10:30 pm…..so that was like the 40th epic fail of my week……….tomorrow I vow to get my shit together, and get my training in, and get done what I need to…..and I just realized I have a quiz due at 9 am I haven’t even looked at……ugg… I need to get it together this week…..Tomorrow is a new day right?  For all the people who say to me I don’t know how you do it…..some days I don’t clearly…..Happy training ❤

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Race ready

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I have a countdown app on my phone, so I can see when my big races are coming……today I looked at and realized there are only 17 weeks left until my 70.3.  Then I realized it was this time last year when I ended up in the ER coughing up blood because I had pneumonia so bad.  That sickness derailed my entire racing season last year.  This year I am doing my best to stay healthy, and keep that issue away.  So today I panicked thinking about it… Scott my coach probably thinks I am crazy after the email I sent him at 3 am…..Then 5 minutes later I was looking at goals for next year.  I have officially entered the losing my mind stage.  His response to my email was simple:

“If we keep being consistent you will be ready. We have a ton of time.”
Scott

 

I think hiring a good coach was the best decision I made for this season, I mean sure sometimes on Sunday I am a little scared to open Training Peaks to see what is in store….of course most athletes I know with coaches have the same fear…lol.  I do my best to get through it all, and some weeks it is a lot.  I mean we are only half way through February and I am well on my way to 300 bike miles this month…..I am working hard, and I hope it is showing in my training logs.  I feel a lot stronger, but I must admit working out 7 days a week is not an easy thing.  I never thought the training would be easy, but if I am one thing it is determined, and focused……sometimes to my own detriment. I hear all the time that I am too busy and all I think about is the gym, but I am ok with that, it is what I want to be doing.  I have spent way too much of my life  trying to make other people happy or fix things, so I am focusing on me, and well it is pissing people off, and to be honest….I am ok with that.  I need to focus on what I want so I stop getting lost in the shuffle.  Focus on making me happy……..happy training ! <3<3

 

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She won’t leave me alone……

Lately I have been struggling a lot.  When I look in the mirror or when I walk past a window, I see her….the girl I used to be. The fat girl, that I always was.  I have been fighting to put her back in her box in my mind where she belongs, but she’s been fighting me hard to stay in my head.  I am not sure how she got out, I am usually pretty good at ignoring her. Lately though…..she seems to be in my head telling me I can’t do it.  That I am too big still, that I will never get to my goal.  Having weight loss surgery screws with your mind, sometimes more than others.  I have been working very hard on my training, and getting it in.  My diet however has been a struggle, taking in enough calories to support my training is hard, when I am not supposed to drink within 30 min before I eat and 30 min after.  On a good day I can eat a cup to a cup and a half in one sitting.  So some days it feels like I am eating all day.  I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, it makes things worse, but that is a trap I have been falling into lately.  I need to break that habit and realize I am not the same as them.  Yes, I still have a ways to go to get to my goal, but I am making amazing things happen through the work I am putting in.  I need to give myself more credit for the work I am putting in.  I need to shut her down, not let her get to me because if I don’t sooner or later I will be sabotaging myself.  Happy Training ❤

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The Plague….

You may or may nor have noticed I haven’t posted many workouts in the last week or so.  I am sick….again…. This time it is Bronchitis.  I have just been doing easy things like Yoga, and riding the stationary bike.  My cough is finally mostly gone, but my lungs are still a little sore.  I am trying to not push too hard and end up with Pneumonia again.  I feel like I have spent most of the last year sick in one way or another…..It is making training tough, I am just keeping things low-key right now. I am easing my way back into working out and not trying to make it worse.  Which let’s be honest anyone who knows me, knows that is like the hardest thing ever for me to do.  I push myself, it is just instinct to do…..The doctor is checking a bunch of things, lord knows they took enough vials of blood.  She wants to make sure there is a underlying issue that is making me sick so much. I have seen her more this year than I have the last 3.  So I don’t know whether to tell you to cross your fingers that nothing is wrong, or to cross your fingers that something is wrong. At least if they come up with something, we can deal with it. The unknown is worse. School also started this week, which is another adjustment. I am super excited to be able to do my first Practicum though, I was supposed to go to a Cross Fit Box, but it looks like I will be going to the Y instead. I am a little bummer about that, but It will still be great!.  This is the first semester I am taking  a full-time course load since I have been back, I am trying to knock it all out and be done as soon as I can.  Ready for the next step.  Wish me luck with the test results, still not sure which way would be lucky though.  Happy Training!

 

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Goodbye to the old me….

I have been reflecting a lot, on how far I have come.  Where I started.  How I went from being the biggest person in the Spin class, to being comfortable wearing a tri suit and a wetsuit for a race. I am not sure when it happened, it just kind of did before I noticed.  I mean I was always able to fake my confidence well, but deep down, I was not confident in myself at all.  I have noticed that the more I train, the less I give a crap what people think about how I look. Yes, I am still a big girl, to be honest, I probably will always be one of the big girls of Triathlon. Yes I have loose skin, that I have to body glide, tuck into compression gear, and it is uncomfortable when I run sometimes, but then I think about when I couldn’t run at all and I am very thankful that I can run.  So I invest in body glide and other products like it, I put Run Goo on my feet to prevent the blisters that I always seem to get no matter what I do, well at least until i found Run Goo(thank you Stride box).  I have become one of those, people who don’t want to go out on Friday night, because I have a run/bike/race the next morning. I spend my money on running/triathlon stuff instead of clothes.  To me food has become something to fuel my body rather than something I use for pleasure.  I eat things that I used to think were gross(except Broccoli…lol) but I eat them to keep my body ready for my workouts.  I would rather sleep than stay up late partying, don’t get me wrong there are nights I stay out till 3 am(thanks to my brother for the birthday night out) and then get up and race after having 4 hours of sleep(think i was still drunk when the race started). People make fun of the fact that I am more focused on who I want to be and where I am headed, than settling for less than what I can do.  There are crazy goals, someday that I am aiming for.  I keep them to myself(well I told my coach) but I keep them close to the vest, people laugh when I tell them my regular goals.  I have decided to keep a few things to myself but the crazy goals are a long way off.  I have learned though to embrace the changes, they are necessary to keep moving forward.  So embrace the changes, whether they happen intentionally, or so gradually that you don’t even notice they are happening.

 

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Resolutioners at the gym

Sorry there is some explicit language in this one!

 

 

So my news feed is full of people bitching about the people who sign up for the gym at the first of the year.  Then there are the comments about wait a couple weeks they will go away.  It really pisses me off when I see it on pages of weight loss surgery patients or in groups that are geared towards them.  Has it been so long that you have forgotten you were one of those people once?  For fucks sake, try helping them instead of making fun of them. If you do, maybe it will be the thing that makes the difference, it may help them keep going if you encourage it.  If you see someone using a machine wrong help them, don’t let them continue to do it, and possibly hurt themselves.  Remember what it was like when you first joined the gym, and were kind of clueless. I was very lucky and had amazing friends who were there for me, but not every one does.  I guess what I am trying to say is try and help the new people instead of being an asshole to them!  It might be the thing that changes someone’s life!  You could be that person for someone, and we all started somewhere!

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